Sunday, September 12, 2010

An Apple A Day...

Compared to traffic congestion and dealing with the incompetent jerks who've somehow managed to dupe authorities into granting them driver's permits, the train is, normally, an entirely more sensible option. Thankfully, I'm able to ride off-hour trains. The general lack of consideration induced by the standing-room-only circumstances of rush hour train travel, often cause me to boil.

Sardine-friendly commuter trains boost the probability of encountering "wal-mart oxen", the grunting, slovenly, bovine-brained, ignoramuses who haven't got a considerate bone in their misleading human forms.
I've discovered that wal-mart oxen who have broken from the herd, can, occasionally and unfortunately, stray onto trains.

LM Ericsson AB estimated in July that worldwide cellphone subscriptions have reached just under 5 billion. Place a cellphone in the hooves of wal-mart oxen and you get inconsiderate morons who loudly yammer away on quiet trains as though they're alone in a closed phone booth. Look around; use your big cow eyeballs to notice there are other people near you, who are not the least bit interested in being subjected to the endless and stupid, donkey-like braying emanating from your mouth!

Not to mention, the more you grunt and snort into your phone, the more you reveal your thorough lack of class, ignorance, illiteracy, language deficiencies and personality flaws.

Just, stop; read a book, or if the words are too big and complicated, borrow a picture book from a neighbor's child. You may love the sound of your own voice, but I don't! Do you have so few friends that when you reach someone on your cell, you don't dare hang-up because you know they'll never call you again?

In 2000, researchers at Rutgers University discovered cell phone users are often perceived as needing to display their phones because they're insecure and have something to prove. Shucks, that's sad and everything; go dip your seuss in sugar!

Far be it from me to tell a reasonable person when he or she can and cannot use their cell phone. By all means, make a call or two, or three, keep them short, considerately quiet and I'm good with that. I understand some of you do business as you travel. Again, keep those calls within the parameters of basic crowd etiquette and consideration for your fellow commuter and I can handle it. At some point, however, the onus shifts to the blabbermouths, blowhards and loud-mouth cell phone users who really ought to realize their conversation volume and duration are far beyond the limits of what's socially reasonable, tolerable or acceptable.

A nationwide Palm Canada/Leger Marketing survey four years ago showed that while most Canadian cell phone users are guilty of bad behavior, that doesn't make them tolerant of similar social blunders by others. Fully 91 per cent say they have been annoyed by fellow cell phone users in public places.

Wake up, bumpkins!

I have come eerily close to standing up in a rolling train and demanding, "Is anyone else bothered by this guy's big mouth?" I have almost turned and said to a female ox, "Go sit somewhere else because I don't want to listen to you!"

An Apple a day keeps the conflict away. The i-pod my wife bought me in Florida helps. By putting it on, I can shut out the oxen. I know they're there, grunting and snorting, because the ever-present stench of manure is unmistakable. I also realize that by shutting them out, I'm not solving the problem. I'm giving these buffoons carte blanche to continue their ignorant behavior and to keep acting as though they're the only humans on the planet!

I apologize for abandoning the rest of you civilized folk, who expect reasonable behavior from fellow members of society. I realize that, as I sit revelling in the sounds of Art Pepper or Semisonic, you're still subjected to the grating noise pollution of oxen on the phone. You're on your own.

As for you cell phone slobs, on the off-chance I someday forget my Apple, or my i-pod battery suddenly drains, please, shut the hell up!

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