Wednesday, May 4, 2011

National Horkers League

If Charles Dickens were available to write a book about the National Hockey League, I'm almost certain he would have to title it, "Great Expectorations". The story would obviously be about how professional hockey players are being drafted on the basis of their ridiculous spitting habits. The criteria would surely include frequency, distance, shape and follow-through.

Is there not one professional hockey player who sees this behavior as pointless and piggish?

I play hockey and have never once felt the urge to spit. Admittedly, some of the guys I play with do hork and gob, but that's just because they're impressionable and want to be "like the pros".

Shucks, even young hockey players are spitting. How nice. It must make a pro, proud.

Is it a measure of how tough you are? Are you marking your territory or something, or are you just confirming that most professional athletes tend to be a classless, overpaid, over-valued, self-important, ill-mannered bunch of boors?

Are there any athletes left who are decent role models?

Sadly, the list of fallen role models is deceptively long, but then, when spitting is a measure of your success as a member of society, what do you expect, or in this case, expectorate!

They could do so much good with their celebrity.

Sometimes we eat supper in the living room, watching a hockey game. Now, it's more revolting than anything else to try to eat a meal while player after player gobs, wretches, hawks and horks as the television camera slowly pans along the bench.

It's gone from the National Headhunters League to the National Horkers League.

I can't get the image of Dany Heatley, back in November when the Sharks made a trip to his former team in Ottawa, sitting on-camera, with a massive, grossly-colored wad of saliva caught on his stupid goatee.

At least basketball players limit themselves to dribbling and, for the record, if ever you see me spitting during one of my touchfootball games, I've swallowed a bug.

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